


Save Me

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [22]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Songfic, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 21:04:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15916215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: A songfic I decided to write when it dawned on me just how angsty Save Me by Queen is.





	Save Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is written from Judas' POV. The rest is self-explanatory. [Save Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw3izcZd9zU).  
> And here are the lyrics:
> 
> It started off so well  
> They said we made a perfect pair  
> I clothed myself in your glory and your love  
> How I loved you  
> How I cried  
> The years of care and loyalty  
> Were nothing but a sham it seems  
> The years belie we lived a lie  
> I love you till I die
> 
> Save me save me save me  
> I can't face this life alone  
> Save me save me save me  
> I'm naked and I'm far from home
> 
> The slate will soon be clean  
> I'll erase the memories  
> To start again with somebody new  
> Was it all wasted  
> All that love?  
> I hang my head and I advertise  
> A soul for sale or rent  
> I have no heart I'm cold inside  
> I have no real intent
> 
> Save me save me save me  
> I can't face this life alone  
> Save me save me save me  
> Oh I'm naked and I'm far from home
> 
> Each night I cry I still believe the lie  
> I love you 'till I die

When we got together everything was great. I felt great, I felt powerful; to be worthy of your love was a bigger accomplishment that I could have imagined. And it was not only me; the greatness of our situation came from how we worked together, how perfect we were.

Everybody could see it; in the beginning, freshly in love, when both of us were pining for the other to feel the same way without realising that they did. In the beginning, when both of us were hesitant to make the first move even when we knew that there was something there, something more than we dared to let on. In the beginning when touches were hesitant and kisses were chaste. They all said we were meant for each other, pride on their faces, when they finally saw us walking hand in hand. The feeling was amazing. I remember all the times they told us about how they wished they had this connection to another person and how they wished us the best.

And we had the best. I know I did; the time I spent with you was the first in years that I felt truly happy. I felt safe in your presence, your reputation of glory, of light and hope and happiness protected me from the rest of the world. To this day I am not sure if that was your intention, but it helped me be who I yearned to be, and it helped me be who you needed me to be. Your protection was your greatest strength, and at the same time it was your greatest weakness. It drained you, eventually, when you wanted to keep it up to care for the ones you loved.

You loved me. You never let there be any doubt of that. You loved me so much and in the end that was what burned us down. You loved with the intensity of a burning wildfire, you loved with all the passion God gave you. You loved me with all you had and I hid in the protection your love gave me, I hid from the world until it was too late.

But it was not only that. For years I had been told to feel like I did was wrong and sinful, and then you came along and set my feelings aflame, something no other man had managed before. You came and ripped apart the sorrows I had held, and you brought me acceptance and comfort.

I loved you. Oh, how I loved you. I cannot say of myself that it was the same way that you loved. My love was more quiet; from all the time suppressing it and all the doubt that ate at me, but it was stronger than the rest of my feelings, it remained through everything, and even now it is there, deep within me, because my love for you has become too deeply engraved in my very soul to ever fade away.

I still love you and nothing will change this; I see you getting on in life without me, and I accept that, even though I still love you… perhaps because I still love you.

Sometimes it is too much for me to process, lying awake, crying for hours at night has become a ritual for me; I see your face before me, I feel your hands touching me, your skin reassuring and calming against mine, I hear your voice, the voice I have grown to love most with its comforting tone and the infinite softness to it. And then I realise I have dozed off and all these impressions evaporate, you are not there any longer. You are gone now.

Looking back, it seems like a day. And it seems like eternity. Time with you passed so fast and at the same time I remember more events than could have happened in the year we had together. In the time I loved you from way before. The time seems so packed with affection and closeness, it melts into one and simultaneously every memory stands out.

But the fire of your love burned down eventually. I should have seen it coming. How could I have been so naïve? Maybe I was blinded by those blazing flames, but sometimes I even doubt it was real; I feel cheated even though you did not cheat me, I feel like your feelings were a sham, even though I am convinced they were not.

Then I remember your words, your gentle confessions of love. I remember them being whispered into my hair, against my lips, I remember whispers hotly ghosting over the skin at my hip bones and passionate statements while your ear was pressed to my chest, listening for my heartbeat. I remember everything and that makes my loneliness even worse. So, even though I hurt and I wish it could stop, I wish for the loneliness to leave me as well, so I can dwell in sweet nothingness; even though I yearn to be at peace, I know I will love you until I die.

At times I feel like I might die just from loving you so much, sometimes the stabs of jealousy feel almost deadly when I see the way you relax in her arms, the way you look after her or the way you smile when she whispers into your ear, things I do not even want to imagine.

Most of all I just want you to come back and tell me it was all a nightmare, that you will save me from myself and make me feel secure again. I wish you could, but you never will.

I crave the protection of your mere presence, like a warm cloak thrown over me, I crave the companionship of somebody I trust so completely. I still need you, but you no longer need me. The love we once had is now foreign to you, I feel bared to the world, naked when you left me without the protection I had become so used to.

Do you want me to forget? Do you want to erase all we had together? Sometimes it feels like it, when I meet your eyes across the table and you still smile, but the smile is not directed at me. It only lingers from when you last looked at her. Your expression changes when you see me, sometimes I think I see regret in your eyes, and that hurts me more than your apparent love for her ever could. I feel like you want me gone and I simultaneously hate you for it and wish to disappear myself.

Somehow when you do not want me, I do not want myself either. I have become too attuned to you; it rips me apart.

Some nights I ask myself if it was worth it. All the love I gave you and all the devotion. Was it for nothing or did it mean something to you too? Do you remember the way we used to be? Do you sometimes want to go back too?

The hopelessness makes me wonder how much longer we have. When I was with you, the world seemed bright, a better place suddenly, but now I am starting to see the real colours again, the brightness of your burning love is gone now and promptly I see the shadows again, the darkness that lurks within people, the bad things in the world. I pray that it is not my mental state making me go mad, because if it is not, then eventually you will have to see it too. I feel like a change is nearing and it throws me off even more, because changes were all fine when you were there to go through them with me, but now that I am alone, they scare me. I feel it looming over all of us and I cannot escape. No matter how far we travel and how much we spread God’s word, the darkness remains.

Where there was once the fire of your love warming me, sometimes almost burning me, there is nothing now. And I am freezing.

The nights are cold, not only physically when I miss your touch and your beating heart so close to mine; no, the nights are cold because once I stop feeling, I go numb; sometimes it does not happen and I fall asleep aching all over, but mostly, the pain overwhelms me and leaves me empty. There is no warmth anymore. No blanket or even fire could really help me, because he cold comes from within.

Even though I know there is no hope, even though you show me this reality each day, my cold heart, that stubbornly insists to keep pumping blood through me, it will never give up. And as I wake at night, from dreams of terrible things to come, as I pray to God and pray to you, I realise, time after time after dreadful time that I still love you. That I will love you until the very second my broken heart will finally give out.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you're ok :) As always, feel free to leave me kudos and comments <3


End file.
